jill.

In an effort to feel loved, I purchased a guinea pig. Her name is Jill, and she sits comfortably in the palm of my hand. Her fur is camel-colored and soft, sticking to my shirt to make me look like the crazed cat woman I will never be. I bought her fancy pet food to show that I love her, like on the commercials with the cat tins. She digs around the corn and carrot, even the marshmallow-esque stars and horseshoes. She will only eat the pellets, the guinea pig equivalent of hot dogs. I talk to her and make kissing noises, but her ears are sensitive. I think I frighten her.

Growing up, I had guinea pigs. Touching them made my retinas swell and the soft skin on the inside of my elbow turn to dry leprosy. I spend my senior year of high school stoned on D-Allergy, sleeping through my classes so that I could breathe at home. Zyrtec gave me depression, and I would sit on our couch and cry until I fell asleep.

I overlooked this when I saw Jill at the pet store. I bought recycled-cardboard bedding, thinking this would cure any possible allergic reaction. I didn't know it was the dander.

I can't hold her. I rub my eyes until it hurts to blink. I shut my eyes until it hurts to hold the tears in. I cry, which actually flushes out the allergy and makes me feel much better. I have realized that I cannot live like this. If my landlord reads this, I feel like it would be a winning case for me to be allowed a dog. I can only kill so many fish before I become jaded. I don't want to be jaded to death. That is not the point of my pet-owning experiments. I want to be loved and cuddled during this "trying" and "growing" and "good-for-me" long distance nonsense.

On Friday, Jill and I will be going on a field trip, much like Old Yeller. Without the death. Or disease. Or Jill ever somewhat saving my life. It is sad. I love her, and think that she may trust me. I guess this is where all of the similarities are. We will go to Ohio and hang out with my parents, and then I will come home. If I am lucky, the avocado pit in the window will have an even larger crack in it than it does now.

Yes, the second attempt to grow an avocado tree has been so-far successful. The brown layer is peeling off to reveal a white, potato-like core. (Odd that a pit has a core, I know.) This paler center is cracking, like the pictures I saw on Google. I have reason to believe that in four to five weeks, there will be roots.