Then he told me, "Write about something you believe in."

And I did, because it was a writing prompt for class and I do what I am told. Here's how it came out so far:

I believe that I will one day be the Crazy Mom. I believe that my kids will enjoy a nearly-vegetarian lifestyle until they get to school and learn about Twinkies and Corn Dogs and Meatloaf with meat. I believe that I will understand when they try to rebel and become an art major and live a bohemian lifestyle; I believe that I will bid on their art under a false name when they sell it on E-bay to buy macaroni and cheese. (I will be sad that it is Kraft instead of the organic brands.) I believe that I will take my children to fly kites and be more upset than they are that it looks nothing like Kite Runner.

I believe that all crayons should be sharp. They should not require the plastic cone on the back of the 96-pack to stay this way. We both know it doesn’t work. What good is the mutilated tip without the ridge surrounding it? I believe that crayons should be sold in hollow, reusable sticks, allowing you to buy just the tips for the colors you need. The rest of that wax is just something to hold on to, and it is thrown away when it can no longer color the retinas of Santa or Dora the Explorer.

I believe that all backpack zippers should make the same perfect sound. The one that means you are learning. The one that preludes all good reading sessions. The one that makes second graders feel like real people, like they are a part of some older academia automatically giving algebra skills.

I believe that books should come with pine-tree shaped scented bookmarks, to give them that “used-book smell” until I can find the time to properly age, stain and mildew them myself. I believe that all books should be printed on pre-yellowed paper. It would make me feel less guilty when I spill tea, dribble coffee or smash a bug.

I believe that flies are a reminder that we are a wasteful people. Flies would not invade our homes if the dishes were rinsed and stacked by the sink. Or if we composted our waste. Granted, they would flock to the compost, but then they are not bashing themselves against the kitchen window until they exhaust themselves and plummet into the soapy water.

I believe that commercials showing nonprofit workers scrubbing the feathers of ducks with Dawn dish soap are reason enough for me to purchase the product. Yes, it is more expensive than Ajax, but I want a pet duck. How could I look them in the eye one day, knowing that I didn’t help their West-Coast-dwelling comrade?

I believe that peanut butter is a food group and will never lead to weight gain. It has no cholesterol because it has no animal. It should not give you a disease from a chicken. This does not mean something is wrong with peanuts. I believe that the only way to get through this outbreak is to eat more peanut butter, so that I need to buy more (thus keeping it out of the homes of children). Much like an economic stimulus plan. I do not believe in cutting the crusts off, but rather biting the corners (instead of the middle) first, so that I can enjoy the crisp, smokier tasting edge with the spongy middle together. I believe that all peanut butter should be stirred and stored in the refrigerator. I know for a fact that it is never found between two crackers with more Real Cheddar Flavor than ever.

I believe that the pictures are made better with finger smears on the edges and dates on the back, and made perfect when the color begins to fade because two hands have held and looked as long as we will.