21/90, stuffed

I had my smoothie for breakfast. I packed my lunch and felt good about it.

Then I ate a cookie.
Then I went to work and was given cheese pizza.
Then I helped a committee and got banana bread and crackers and cheese and strawberries and grapes.

Now I feel horrible--mentally and physically. I want to fix this. I want to buy the workout video that makes me stop doing this. I want to stop eating bread and eat only lettuce.

This is not true. I know this would feel equally horrible, in its own way.

It is Lent. I have given up excuses. I am taking ownership for each task that I do and do not accomplish eat day. I am giving myself room tonight for yoga, cookie-making and documentary-watching while I write at least one paper. I am not doing my reading. Because. There is no reason, there are only reasons why I don't want to.

So this is it. No excuses. No hormones-made-me. No I'm-lonely-and-he's-far-away. No but-I'm-in-college. No lying about why I'm late. I'm starting with my self, with what I put in my body: something that I have complete control over. I'm taking control back, and I am going to feel good about it.

I am starting this now, a weekend when I will see Joe. These are conditions that usually bring me to abandon all health goals, and instead sit on the couch eating a loaf of cheese and the worst smelling cheese we could find. But I'm doing and, and he'll deal with it because I'm bringing my new favorite cookies.

So here's the deal: I am up to four cups of coffee by 8 a.m. I crash in the afternoon and turn to refined sugars. I crash again, walk through the cold and enter the kitchen of my house. I eat the first warm carbohydrate I see. At midnight, after homework, I am hungry from thinking. I eat.

No more. None of it. I want my energy back, and these tricks to my body aren't doing it. Instead, let's try this:

• Yoga in the morning. It hurts and I don't like it, but I have to do it. I find excuses not to in the evenings (like making cookies or talking to Joe or writing papers or, say, sleeping).
• A smoothie for breakfast. And when I get tired of the (never home)makers' amazingness, I have an entire book of them that I got for Christmas from my boss. No excuses there! Tons of energy, natural sweetness, and time for drinking it--it's so cold I can't chug it and binge.
• A solid lunch full of whole grains and a snack of mixed nuts. Every day. Unless I want the sweet potato. I'm standing by this idea: it's filling, wholesome and a good excuse to have some sugar in the raw and Earth Balance. No complaints. No reason not to love this. No need for excuses.
• A new recipe every week, from my vegan cookbook... No excuses for getting tired of food, for having no idea what to eat, for having nothing in the fridge.
• No refined sugar, but I will treat myself. I will not eat cookies at work. I keep saying it, but I don't do it. I will carry more gum and remember how horrible I feel when that sugar hits my stomach that used to be so pure and lined with spinach and jasmine rice and tofu.
• Treats! Like pancakes on the weekend. Or beer! I am not giving up alcohol. Noooo way, sir. I have it once a week on average, rounding up, and I am OVER feeling bad about it. So bring on that double stout. Bring. It. On.

No excuses. Time to start enjoying things. No excuses means one less thing I'm searching for. It means finding power in each small decision I make. It means pushing myself harder and realizing that some things will have to go--but not the same thing every day.