38/90, I want to be loved

I’m watching "Man Men" and reading Lady Chatterly’s Lover. This is not a good combination for someone who’s greatest fear is adultery.

I have a lingering fear, after those disastrous high school relationships we all know, that in the end we make it all fall apart. There's that serial monogamist theory that insists we can be dedicated to that one special person. Until that second special person comes along.

In my mind I see life so quickly. The husband goes into advertising, begins sleeping with his secretary and then the other secretary finds out and I keep wearing my pearl necklace to show that everything is still ok, that I'm still some kind of model.

As Katherine Hepburn says in "A Philadelphia Story,"

I don't want to be worshipped. I want to be loved.

 Understood. I am not being worshiped, but like Hepburn's character Tracy, I don't want to be loved for being a potentially good wife or mother. I don't want to be the safe option. I don't want to be what's needed. I want to know that we're always a madly in love.

I should not be allowed to watch more than one episode of this show at a time. I should not be allowed to consume fiction. I make it a part of my life, give people close to me the habits and tendencies of the uneasy people I read and see.

Now, it's working in reverse. I'm becoming the safe, constant piece of anyone's life. Jesus.